Having the experience...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O9wjmEhMKFw

I wanted to write about something pleasant. About a nice, warm memory that would wrap my soul like a soft blanket on a cold rainy day. I wanted it simple and uncomplicated.

But instead of it - this appeared... As always unwanted. A memory that usually I wish I could forget. Maybe even forever. But it comes back like a boomerang to my mind. Even though at times I try to throw it as far away as I only can... it comes back. It's always there and it always will be. A part of me, my life history.

A thing that has spoiled so much. It has changed me and all my happy world I had been living in.

A thing we usually don't say aloud; pretending we're fine.

Haven't we all been taught to smile and pretend that we're always in a perfect mood? Wasn't it the first and maybe only answer you were taught on your English class as a response to the typical question "How are you?" Always fine. Naturally. Like any other answers wouldn't be known or accepted.

But we're not always fine. I'm not always fine.

And there was a time I was deeply unfine. Although realising it took me way too much time I guess.

Just one day... something trembled. Something cracked and then broke.

And she came to me. Like an unwanted guest. With an embarrassed look like she would have known she had never been invited. But she came anyway. Forced her way. Against my will. With her sad name...

Depression.

Dressed all in black and grey. Like late autumn making all my beautiful garden die. She appeared for good. Unwanted and uninvited. Changing my blissful summer into an empty and long season of hopelessness. And then she decided to live with me. Turning out to be a very malicious and acquisitive friend. Changing seasons wasn't enough. Taking all my plants didn't satisfy her. Maybe she was even trying to take it all leading me towards an abyss.

But then... going through the darkest night and the most hopeless time... Needing some light so desperately...

I called you, God.

I called you for the first time.

As I had long forgotten about You in my previous happy life.

I started to look for You. But it was You who found me. You had sympathy over my little tiny life. Embraced me and lifted me up. Cleaned my wounds from blood. And let me live again.

And here I'm now. Trying to heal my life. Trying to keep going. But these days I'm really quite fine. My life has changed. And I know it'll still bring uncountable beautiful and unforgettable memories. Making me enjoy each day with peace and gratefulness.

However, sometimes, I just keep asking why it has happened to me. Why did I need to go through it all? I'm slowly embracing the sharp memory and accepting the fact. Even being grateful at times that I've experienced it. Because it made me who I really am today. It woke me up from the malaise of the world. It shook me roughly, but opened my eyes. Maybe to see others more. To see their suffering. To be there for the ones in need. Maybe to become a human with its deep experience of life here. With all the joys and sorrows. Because life is like a melody with all its high and low tunes.

And now only this unwanted memory left. Sharp at times like the claws of a wild animal. I still tremble it may come back. Don't know what to do with it. Maybe share with the world? Probably my cautiousness will label it as the worst idea. And I'll hesitate thousands times before posting it. But maybe it’s the thing I actually should do. I should let the world know. Let you, one single reader, know that you're not alone. I've been there too. I know what you're going through. It's tough. It's really hard. It can seem to be completely hopeless at times...

But you need to know, you really need to know it –

There's Hope.

There's always Hope with you.

I ask you, my dear friend - never forget the Truth.